another episode of things I’ve surmised

Carpet is a conspiracy.

We have friends coming over today and on Sunday. For the first time in a very long time, we have people visiting our place – not dropping by or stopping by or popping in. Visiting. You know what this means. I took the coats off the vacuum cleaner handle and tried to vacuum the carpet. All the carpet. We live in a tall, skinny 4 story townhouse. There is lots of carpet, on lots of stairs.

What was wrong with flooring before carpet? Hardwood floors are lovely, durable and don’t soak up red wine, dog puke or baby food. All they require is sweeping and a bit of a mop. Today, however, I was sweating while heaving around a vacuum and taking parts on and off while doing stairs, edges and floor spaces.

I hate carpet.

So, I figure that, at some point in history, there was a group of men [oh, c’mon, you know they were men] sitting around trying to make a buck. Hey, they probably thought, you know those area rugs? You know how you can pick them up, shake them out and beat them with a stick to get them clean and free of nasty allergens or wring them out if they get wet? Well that is way too easy! What if, they postulated, we convinced people that bigger – much bigger! – carpets were the luxurious way to go and we could fix them to the floor! Um, by saying No More Slipping On An Unsafe Carpet. Yeah, it would be more “cozy” and “comfortable”.

What, the cleaning thing? Oh, um, well we’ll have to come up with some sort of carpet cleaner device and/or service company for that – so let’s make that really worthwhile and make sure that the carpet soaks up stains really well, and has magical magnetic properties for cat fur and dog hair. And little bits of things that come in from the outside. And, as they all take another shot of whiskey, the fur and hair and little bits of things can get drawn deep, deep into the carpet with the help of little carpet critters – we’ll have to patent those, of course. And we can make it so that the carpet fades with time, but the stains never do! We’ll be benefiting the entire economy!

I’m getting mad at these anonymous, hypothetical jackasses just writing about it. I want hardwood flooring. Everywhere. Now.

In the mean time, I have clean[er] carpets. At least for the weekend.

One response to “another episode of things I’ve surmised

  1. Amen sister. It’s the equivalent of us deciding to staple our clothes to our body and just clean them with a blow dryer.

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