I am sitting here covered in cat piss while Mr.Q is taking a bath.
While the Magpie seems to have nearly recovered from her bout with the tonsil demons, the cat has developed a raging bladder infection [we hope that’s all it is] and requires antibiotics. One must hold a cat to administer antibiotics and, when holding a cat with a raging bladder infection, one is likely to come away from it a little damp. The poor thing has been confined to the laundry room along with her litter, food and water until tomorrow at least. She is not happy.
Mr.Q is sitting in the bath at the suggestion of his doctor: his specialist, the urologist. Due to a case of prostatitis that has been hovering on the fringes for the last year or so. It comes, it goes. It comes back. It goes. Recently, it came back to enough to warrant a referral to said specialist. This is the conversation that I believe took place:
Doc: So, I hear you have a problem down there.
Mr.Q: Why, yes, I do. We have a one year old at home and my wife has just returned to work. Needless to say, I don’t get laid enough. Is there anything we can do about that?
Doc: Hm. Does your wife have any medical background? Access to the internet and a tendency to look things up online?
Mr.Q: Sadly, yes to both.
Doc: Well, then. We’ll have to pull out the big guns. You’ve heard about the Prostate? Well, it’s kind of in that general area and we think it might even be linked up to the good ol’ One Eyed Monster (we don’t really know or care, but it sounds good). Anyway, we could say you have an inflamed prostate – prostatitis – and, because it’s theoretically connected to Big Willy, we could say that regular sexual activity helps alleviate your discomfort! We even have some authentic looking people on board, here, so should your snoopy missus look around on Google, it’ll back this up. snicker.
Mr.Q: Wow, that sounds too good to be true! But, aren’t there any other symptoms I should have? Shouldn’t my wife be able to tell, somehow, that I have this “prostatitis”?
Doc: madly cackling No!! That’s the beauty of it! Only a doctor can tell, by performing a digital exam – nudge, nudge, wink, wink! It’s my word against nobody’s! Plus, tales of a digital exam will get you plenty of sympathy, eh?!
Mr.Q: starting to see the merit Well, is there anything else I can do to make this seem all the more feasible? Should I be taking any vitamins or medications? My wife will be really skeptical…
Doc: Oh, my dear boy, we have you covered. Let’s see…something herbal … you can always find someone willing to say it’ll do you good … how about Saw Palmetto and zinc? That sound okay? And, hey, how about nice, long baths? No heavy lifting? An extra glass of wine each day? Or are you more of a whiskey man? If it would help, we could make vague threats of antibiotics down the road if your “prostatitis” doesn’t go away.
Mr.Q: heheh… let’s do the herbals and the baths. I think that’ll more than cover it. Thanks doc! I may have to come back and see you if my “prostatitis” doesn’t go away very readily – you know – just to keep things on the up and up.
Doc: Well, that’s what they pay me the big bucks for!
Now Mr.Q swears that the doc did use that opening line, but went on to snap the latex gloves and truly did suggest Saw Palmetto, zinc and “regular sexual activity“. The bath info was listed somewhere online and, apparently, his [female] naturopath does back up the claims for the herb and metal.
But, tonight? I’ve been pissed on by a pissy cat. Mr.Q can forget about seeing any action, skip the hot bath and just head straight for a cold shower.