oh, shit

I have done the diaper duty. I have been through the potty training. And, yet, it is only now that I am inundated with crap. It can’t be avoided. I don’t listen to a lot of radio. I don’t watch a lot of tv. When I do, though, it seems there is only thing I am faced with during commercial breaks: guts. Sickly, unhealthy, ineffective guts. Guts that could be better. Guts that could be doing everything a gut should be – no! – more!

And mine? Well, surely mine must be nasty, shameful secret of my existence. For, not participating in any colon improvement regime facilitated by a dedicated product, I am guilty of nothing short of neglect – if not outright abuse – of my delicate digestive tract.

There are two things I am not participating in.  These omissions, it seems, are preventing me from realizing life-altering achievements:

  1. Relaxing colon hydrotherapy.  Seriously.

    Relaxing.

    Colon.

    Hydrotherapy.

    All three of those words, used together.  At the same time.

    My new favourite radio station (for the music, if not the ads) runs one particular ad regularly. No pun intended. It’s all lovely and spa sounding. Smooth music, smooth announcer and promises of a better me. I’m sold. Until they want to flush out my innards.  Using relaxing. colon. hydrotherapy.

    I can make no claim against it – for all I know, perhaps water enemas are really the magic butt bullet to solve all of life’s problems.  (I really, seriously typed ‘butt’ first…)

    Perhaps Kellogg was onto something.  But I’m not into it. Mostly because of the suggestion that it’s “relaxing”…

  2. Multi-tasking fibre supplements. Seriously. How much, exactly, is your fibre supplement supposed to do for you? And what, exactly, made it necessary to put so much stock in a fibre supplement in the first place?

    Again, can I refute the potential benefits of heart health and lower cholesterol? No. Am I going to rush out and start stuffing my gut with processed plant fibres? Not today.

Really, neither one of these things should be instantly offensive to me. Perhaps, like neti pots, they should cause me a moment of “ugh” but, really, they have the potential to be beneficial. They now seem, however, to be pushed with some sort of end-of-the-world crisis agenda.  Multiple times a day, I am encouraged to consider my bowels and just how little they are doing for me. And how, for the fee of a service or supplement, they could be doing so much better. And that just makes me kind of want to ignore it more…

Maybe it’s like buying a new car and suddenly it seems like everyone’s got the same model: see one colon ad and suddenly they’re everywhere. Or maybe all the erectile dysfunction ads have run their course and the general public needs to be shocked by the status of their bowels.

Either way, if this is supposed to be a bandwagon, I’m not on it. I guess I just have to watch it go by for a little while longer…

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